Biblical Parenting Overseas: Joys and Challenges

If you are a parent, you know that there are joys and challenges to raising a family anywhere in the world. It's not easy work, but adding to that the extra challenge of doing it in a foreign country is intimidating, to say the least. 

I never intended to raise a family overseas. My husband and I met when we were both working in Washington, DC. I thought I would work my whole life and career in public service.

But the Lord, as He does, thankfully had other plans. He sovereignly redirected my husband and I to want to do ministry through the local church. So, in 2009, at the peak of our careers, we both quit our jobs and went to seminary. Even when we left, it never crossed my mind that we would ever leave the US. But then, in February 2012, we got a Skype call from a pastor in the Middle East, who told us he was looking for someone to move to the United Arab Emirates (UAE) and take up the mantle of planning and raising money for a church.

At the time of that call, I had a 5-year-old, a 2-year-old, and a 4-week old. I couldn't have been less interested in taking that family across the world to a place I had to look up on a map. I said, “No, thanks. I'm not raising my kids over there.” But by November of that year, we were living in the UAE. 

In the weeks leading up to our move, the fear that I had turned to dread. We lived in a quaint neighborhood in Louisville, Kentucky. One beautiful fall night, we were walking from our house to the neighborhood Chick-fil-A through little league baseball fields. As we walked, I started to cry.

What were we doing, giving up this quintessential comfortable American life to move to the Middle East with these precious babies? I remember feeling so much fear.

We’ve been there twelve years now, and my family has grown. We've been through a lot of seasons of ups and downs, and I can assure you there are plenty of both joys and challenges of raising a family overseas. 

BIBLICAL PARENTING

Before we get into those, let’s step back and talk about what our parenting goals are, regardless of geography. It’s pretty simple: to give our children a deep sense of their identity and the existence and glory of God. We want to root them in the truth that they were created by and for God, for His glory, that they're called to obey Him and live for Him. We want them to understand that their sin has separated them from a holy God, and it is only because God came near in the person and work of Christ that we can be reconciled to this God. Those who are in Christ have the Holy Spirit, and so they're enabled to live holy lives for His glory. 

What we want to do as parents is embed that story of who our children are in the way Moses explained to Israel, "And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise." (Deuteronomy 6:6–7)

We cannot convert our children, we cannot make them believe anything about God. We can't convince them that they should spend their lives in missions, but we can work with all the resources God has given us to teach them who He is and who they are. 

FIVE JOYS OF PARENTING OVERSEAS

Whether you are raising your kids in Florida or California or as “Third Culture Kids” (TCKs) in the Middle East, there's going to be joys and challenges to the work that God gives you. He's given us all unique stories, unique children, unique circumstances, unique trials. It is not necessarily better to raise your children in the Middle East as compared to the Midwest, but there's a uniqueness to the joys of parenting overseas. I'm going to specifically name five of them. 

First is cultural pliability. My children can float in and out of a culturally diverse setting with ease. They have the ability to read a situation, pick up the cultural norms and cues, and then blend in effortlessly. They're enjoying the world that God made and the diversity of His people. They have worshiped the Lord with people from many different countries and in many different countries in this very savory appetite of heaven. They don't have the same barriers to connecting with people that a lot of adults do. 

Second is having a global perspective. It is very normal for my kids to go to church with people from many different countries and to benefit spiritually from people from many different countries. The only real divisions they understand that should happen in church are theological ones, not social ones. They have a bigger vision of the world and God than what I did at their age. There is something different about personally knowing people who have suffered for their faith. My kids have heard lots of stories from people who have sat around our dinner table, who have been to prison or been rejected from their families or faced some other kind of severe persecution. When my children share the gospel, they know that they may be calling that person to a difficult life. But they have also heard so many people testify that Jesus is worth whatever sacrifice or suffering they may be called to bear.

Third is maturity. My children have had to really wrestle with the faith at a young age. Kids who grow up overseas in a culture that is not Christian know the majority of people around them think their parents are dead wrong about eternal matters like heaven and hell, who God is, and what sin is. So I count it a real privilege that my kids have wrestled with this while they're still in our home and can work through big questions about God and His fairness and heaven and hell with us.

Fourth is resilience. Growing up as a minority in a culture teaches you some important things about how God views the vulnerable and the weak and how earthly power isn't the most important thing in this life. This keeps us on our toes, it keeps our purpose in being away from our earthly home at the forefront of our minds, and it keeps us longing for an eternal home. We are constantly being reminded that we are in the place where we live temporarily, and that our home is in heaven. The discomfort and transience we experience living overseas often shows up in our kids as resilience. 

The fifth joy is community. My children understand you can live just about anywhere in the world if you have a strong community around you. No one ever takes the place of Grandma, but my kids have dozens of older people in their lives that they call aunt and uncle. They are the kind of people that aren't family but you celebrate holidays with. The church becomes your family. It gives me a lot of deep joy to see that my kids are growing up valuing and prioritizing gathering with Christians weekly and arranging their social lives and their calendars around the church. Their foundation is a love of God's people and their learning to give and receive that love in the context of Christian community committed to one another.

FIVE CHALLENGES OF PARENTING OVERSEAS

But there are real challenges to parenting children overseas as well. 

First is the lack of roots. Most TCKs don’t feel connected to any one culture or group. It's common for my kids to say things like they feel too American to be Arab and too Arab to feel American. They look and sound one way, but the culture they're growing up in teaches them cultural norms that don't match the way they look. Their lack of rootedness can cause them to have some real "who am I?" crises as they grow up later in life. If you’re a supporter of a family that lives overseas, talk to them about how you can help.

Second is loneliness. Many people who have grown up overseas have struggled with loneliness at some point. It can be hard to find a friend when you are so different from those around you. Family becomes really important. This just requires intentional parenting, knowing your child, shepherding his or her heart in ways that are needed. Sometimes that might be to encourage your child to ride out the loneliness. And sometimes it might be trusting God intends good for them.

​​Third is sin struggles. TCKs can be particularly prone to sin struggles. I think some common responses to the first challenge of uprootedness can be pride or bitterness. Pride says “I've seen the world. I know about countries and cultures.” But then on the other hand, bitterness might look like “I didn't get to have a normal childhood. I missed out. We had to do something different.” It isn't fun to watch our kids struggle with sins because of the decisions that we've made. But being a TCK is not an excuse to keep from fighting sin. Our children don't get a pass because of where they grew up. 

Fourth is family. There's challenges to raising your children away from your family. You don't have the same support system as those who live near extended family. You will miss significant family events like weddings and funerals and birthdays, or caring for your family members when they get sick. Depending on what kind of Christian community you have around you, this can range from sorrowful to extremely hard. Family provides a built-in support system that's often really dependable. There's times that you really miss having your family around.

Fifth is confronting idolatry. Parenting your children overseas forces you to confront your own idols. Parenting anywhere is sanctifying. It is revelatory to discover what it is you truly desire for your children. Things that are the hardest for you to give up may turn out to be the things that you hold dearest. You may feel like your children are missing out when their childhoods don't fit your expectations. And this is a constant battle to trust the Lord. There are still times that I treasure, more than I ever knew, the opportunities and experiences that I was offered as a child, even small things: sports, activities, education. And that’s when I have to go back to what my goal is in parenting. It's good to expose idols, but dismantling them is hard work.

CONCLUSION

Our children have seen and heard the gospel treasured in our home. What God does with that in their lives is ultimately up to Him.

If you are a church supporter or someone who in some way supports people who have been sent out, pray for parents and pray for their kids. Your role in supporting parents and their calling to raise kids overseas is really important. You can either help or hurt by the way that you care for them.

Kids, the Lord has put you where he has put you. So trust Him in that and seek to get to know this God who cares about the nations. One thing we have come to know is that we as Christians are all living as foreigners in our culture. No matter what country we reside in, we are all just passing through, pilgrims on our way home. 

Our time overseas has been one long walk of faith for us, and the Lord has had to crush idols and wipe away a lot of tears and fears. But He has done so in a way that I hope and trust was for His glory. It turns out that it is possible to find His glory even without Chick-fil-A and little leagues.